The Travails of a 30-Something High Achieving Female

HBD Girl writes a familiar story.

This blog will chronicle my journey as a traditionalist secular independent conservative-libertarianish girl living in an ultra liberal part of the United States. In a nutshell, this is the application of my personal and political philosophy to my life and my decisions.

I recently turned 30 years. Hence, the urgency (although not desperation) of finding a mate is upon me. I’m well-aware that I prolly only have 5 years of good reproductive ability left (although I am also saving up money to freeze my eggs, to be discussed later.)

Recently I put together a revised life plan to help me focus on my priorities. Creating a warm & loving family is my highest priority. I want to create an environment that will be conducive to raising curious, playful individuals that are of independent mind, yet can appreciate and cultivate communities.

To reach that goal, I need to find a partner that wants to share in that same journey and shares many of my values.

My prioritized list of traits and values that I’m looking for in a man are:

The list can be found at the link. In urban environments, this is a common situation. There's a paradox at the heart of the story.

(Everything that I'm about to describe involves statements of what is, not what should be.)

Men generally prefer youth and beauty above other factors. By her late-20s a woman's looks are deteriorating rapidly. Her value on the dating scene is dropping fast.

Women, especially high-achieving professional women, generally prefer wealth and status in men above other factors. By his late-20s a man is still gaining wealth and status.

Let's take the example of my friend we shall call Sandra. Sandra was once extremely hot; I'd give her a 9 in her prime. She's also a medical resident so any man worth her time is also either a medical resident, or someone more successful. You can imagine the pool of eligible men being extremely small. Sandra has been waiting for the perfect man for a long time.

She recently turned 31, and though she's still quite good looking, her appearance has deteriorated. Age is a harsh mistress.

The paradox is:

Any man good enough for her is going to prefer someone younger and better looking.

So she's trapped in a race between her own diminishing value and waiting for someone who meets her standards to come along. She could settle for someone less than ideal. Or she could take a chance and wait because her value diminishes every day. It's a race against time and the stakes are high.

I'm not sure the degree to which Sandra realizes these dynamics. I get the feeling she knows exactly what's up and is taking the chance of waiting. She doesn't want to settle.

On the other hand, many women like Sandra have been fooled into thinking that life is like Sex and the City, and they'll have high-value men pursuing them into their 40s and 50s.

HBD Girl does seem to realize the dynamics at play. In a later post, she writes, "If a man isn’t looking for a confident and accomplished woman and instead only values youthfulness then he’s not the one for me. Yay for the bias of self-selection!"

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WTF

"By her late-20s a woman's looks are deteriorating rapidly."

WTF? Where do you live, in Appalachia?

It's true. It's a statement

It's true. It's a statement about the speed of deterioration, not the level.

The best bet for a woman in the situation described would be to secure a high status male by granting him the right to openly have flings with younger women. She'd get a happy high status male with most of his attention and money, he'd get an accomplished woman while enjoying sex with younger women as well.

But of course it's much better if she waits, ends up a childless old maid, while the high status guy marries a young woman, divorces, loses half of this money. Yeah that's a better scenario.

Working for me

That arrangement is working for me so far!

It's especially nice b/c my status is continuing to increase, and therefore my fling opportunities continue to increase. Were I monogamous, I might get bitter at having to pass the opportunities by and tempted to run off with a younger woman (or cheat, I guess...bleh...hope not). But since I am allowed to have flings, there is no such temptation.

Not the best strategy given the parameters

high achieving women are better off leveraging their hot years on a potential high achieving mate. Pick the mate out before they are perfect. True, it is a gamble, but all of the successful marriages I know worked that way, including my own.

The bad old days were simpler

When I was a kid it was expected by society that one would graduate from high school, get married, and have kids. Some would graduate from college, get married, and have kids. It worked out well for me. Most everyone found a way, a person with whom to get with the program.

Remote Mountains?

So, Arthur B., you live in a remote, mountainous area of eastern Tennessee as well?

The Real Problem

I went to the web page in question. It turns out that HBD's real problem is not that she's 30, but that she's a racist (the very HBD in her blog title!). That does tend to turn off a lot of people.

Indeed. Here an HBD

Indeed. Here an HBD proponent admits as much:

HBD is the better term to use than “race realism,” even when the discussion is limited to that subset of HBD, because “race realism” sounds vaguely racist and everyone knows that racism is the most evil thing which exists in the world. HBD, on the other hand, sounds vaguely like “diversity,” which everyone knows is the most beneficent and blessed thing which exists in the world. People can celebrate human biodiversity, but no one will ever celebrate race realism.

Want to bet that one of hbdgirl's unenumerated yet deal-breaking list of traits she is looking for in a man is that he must be white (or perhaps Asian; today's "race realists" seem to make an exception for Asians).

People are allowed to choose

People are allowed to choose intimate partners based on such shallow traits as race and body type in your ethics, aren't they? I seem to remember you posting a while back on the type of mate you found ideal and stating your racial and cultural preferences (muscled, black, and non-Jewish if I remember correctly--perhaps you can find and link to the article).

Sure, HBDgirl limits her choices if she has preconceptions about her desired mate, but this is her objective, right? She wants to focus on her preferences to find one person to share her life. It's not as though she's coercing anyone else to share her preferences, just stating that she has them.

My wife and I also had cultural preconceptions about potential mates when we met (among other things, she wanted an American like she saw in the cowboy movies, and I wanted someone who had been raised outside the US). It let us recognize within a few hours that we were right for each other and led to a rich relationship that has lasted for 22 years (so far).

People are allowed to choose

People are allowed to choose intimate partners based on such shallow traits as race and body type in your ethics, aren't they?

It depends on what you mean by "allowed to". People certainly shouldn't be forcibly prevented from choosing intimate partners based on shallow traits. But to the extent that they do, this makes them shallow people.

I don't think I entirely agree with the principle of de gustibus non est disputandum - that there is no disputing about tastes. People can have bad tastes for any number of reasons: Perhaps their tastes are unhealthy and acting on their tastes harms others, or themselves. Or maybe they are just mistaken about what their true tastes really are.

Preferences can also say a lot about what kind of people we are. I have friends that refuse to try certain kinds of food, or watch certain kinds of movies, or listen to certain kinds of music, based on unpleasant past experiences or (to my mind, unreasonable) extrapolations from unpleasant past experiences. I think that's unfortunate, and that they are missing out on something they might potentially enjoy. I feel the same way when I read dating profiles wherein people rule out entire classes of people for the flimsiest of reasons, or no reason at all.

I seem to remember you posting a while back on the type of mate you found ideal and stating your racial and cultural preferences (muscled, black, and non-Jewish if I remember correctly--perhaps you can find and link to the article).

You're probably referring to this. I'm not sure I stand by everything I wrote in the post - some of my tastes have changed - but what I wrote then was that I prefer dominant women (not implying anything about muscle-type, but rather personality type), that I'm open to any race (but have mostly dated black women), and I don't much like strongly religious folk.

Incidentally, this last area is where I think I've changed the most, and were I to rewrite what I was looking for, I would put much more emphasis on the importance of not holding strong religious views. The person I met through this personals ad and dated for a long time turned out to be pretty religious, and this lead to irreconcilable differences since we both want to have children one day but want to raise them in totally different and incompatible ways.

... some of my tastes have

... some of my tastes have changed ...

Better keep us up-to-date. I had in mind that if I ever met Zoë incarnate, I was going to try and fix her up with you!

*swoon*

*swoon*

sigh

Dude, you're so beta.

I'll take River - crazy girls are the most fun in bed.