Jesus Should Have Had A Safe Word

Jesus should have had a safe word – that about sums me up.

[Note: Jonathan has been pestering me to write an "about the author" type essay for a couple of years now, and I finally got around to doing so. This occasion just so happens to be coextensive with my writing a personals ad to post on various singles/dating websites. So consider this me shooting three birds with one stone: getting Jonathan off my back, piquing the curiousity of readers who were dying to know more about your humble author, and blegging potential cute and like-minded female blog readers for a date. There's gotta be some girl out there as weird as me. And for those of you who bother reading all the way through, feel free to offer suggestions/corrections. I know it's a bit on the long side, so I should probably attack it with a big red sharpie at some point and cut it down to a fraction of the size.]

I'm 27, white, 6'0, 230 lbs. I'm a smoker (hoping to quit one day), occasional drinker, and 420 friendly. I live in the Emory area. I'm currently a student at Georgia Tech, and will be graduating this upcoming semester.

I'm a submissive male looking for a dominant female, open to any race (for what it’s worth, I’ve mostly dated black women in the past), most body types, and any age (within reason; if you’re old enough to be my grandmother, um, wow, that’s not my thing; if you’re old enough to be my mother, and you are serious MILF material, we can talk. If you’re under 18, sorry, but I don’t feel like spending the next few years of my life in prison, no matter how much I may despise poorly formed age-of-consent laws). I want a girl who is comfortable wearing the pants in the relationship, and is as freaky and open-minded as I am when it comes to breaking social taboos. I’m not interested in a purely sexual relationship; although sex is important to me (and I want something more than yet another platonic female friend; I’m sick and tired of being every girl’s inverse fag hag), I want to find someone who shares common interests beyond just sex. I’m extremely skeptical of the value and long-term stability of monogamy; I’m interested in exploring aspects of the poly lifestyle. I’m a very open, public person, place extremely low importance on privacy and shame, and hope you are the same.

Movies I like: The Big Lebowski, Secretary, May, Donnie Darko, The Breakfast Club, Superbad, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Memento, Dark City; anything directed by Tarantino, Romero, the Coen Brothers, Francis Ford Coppola, Hitchcock, Orson Welles, Scorcese, David Fincher, David Lynch, Tim Burton; anything with zombies, Bruce Campbell, Johnny Depp, or Helena Bonham Carter. Cheesy horror movies are my guilty pleasure. Music: 70s and 80s funk (Zapp and Roger are one of my all time favorites), Prince, OutKast, cheesy 80s one-hit-wonder dance beats (A-ha, Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, Wham!), Tears For Fears, The Cars, The Ramones, The Cure, Tenacious D (Jack Black is a God among shlubby men, with Seth Rogan as first runner-up), White Stripes, Weezer, Fountains of Wayne (Stacy’s Mom is a MILF!), as well as classic rock icons Jethro Tull, Tom Petty, The Black Crowes, and Neil Young. Nothing beats going to a concert, smoking a bowl, and lying next to you on a beach blanket on the grass with our eyes closed, absorbing everything around us.

I’m also a big TV junkie. The quality of television production has reached its prime in recent years, surpassing even most feature films. I can’t stand people who denigrate television as an “idiot box” or devoid of all cultural value; they just don’t know what to watch. HBO may have started the trend of high quality serial dramas with Oz, Six Feet Under, Carnivàle, and Deadwood, but traditional networks quickly picked up the gist with gems like Firefly, Battlestar Gallactica, Veronica Mars, and the new and ever satisfying Mad Men. It’s a damn dirty shame most of these serials have been canceled long before they deserved to be.

The Office is perhaps the only non-cartoon sitcom since Seinfeld that’s not only watchable, but piss-your-pants-funny watchable. The cartoon comedies of choice include, obviously, early Conan O’Brien-era Simpsons before it turned to complete crap, Family Guy, American Dad, South Park, and Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Reno 911 and the late sketch comedy troupe show, Upright Citizens Brigade deserve special mention too. Any sitcom with a laugh track makes me want to shoot myself in the face. You should feel the same. Reality TV is another guilty pleasure, especially American Idol and its spin-offs, So You Think You Can Dance and The Next Great American Band. Beauty and the Geek is brilliant. Any reality show on MTV generally sucks. (For that matter, anything on MTV generally sucks.) The Bravo reality franchises sometimes make me wish I was gay, and not just bi-curious. I think I’ve seen every episode of Law & Order that has ever aired in the last 17 years at least twice, and yet I continue to Tivo the reruns anyway. ER, House, and CSI (only the original Vegas version, not the cringe-inducing spin-offs) are worth watching too.

Wow, I think I’m coming across as incredibly shallow for being so deeply obsessed with TV and movies. But if that bothers you, just move along to the next listing; I’m looking for someone who can match, check and raise my shallowness.

I don’t read much fiction - not because I don’t like novels, but because I just can’t find the time or discipline needed to focus on longer written stories. I do make some special exceptions. First, there's Nabokov (Lolita represent!). Second, Heinlein; The Moon is a Harsh Mistress is my favorite of his novels, and All You Zombies my favorite of Heinlein's short stories. Moon revolves around polyandry line marriages, each headed by a dominant female, and Zombies is a solipsistic, incestuous, transsexual time-travel story about a hermaphrodite forced to undergo an unwanted sex change operation who then later impregnates both future and past versions of him/herself, thereby populating all the characters in the story. I think my interest and love for these two Heinlein stories in particular says something about my kinky, transgressive personality. Other noteworthy literary loves of mine include Ira Levin’s dystopic masterpiece This Perfect Day, Vonnegut’s dystopic anti-egalitarian short story Harrison Bergeron, and Neal Stephenson's anarcho-capitalist, dystopian cypherpunk novels The Diamond Age, Snow Crash, and Cryptonomicon. Chuck Palahniuk can be hit or miss (miss: Diary)(hit: "Guts," from the short story collection Haunted)(hit: Fight Club, both the book, and the movie adaptation - though the movie was better). What’s with me and dystopias anyway? I guess that’s just the cynical, pessimistic nihilist in me. Good thing I have a cheery, bright, cup’s-half-full side too to balance me out.

As for non-fiction, which is what I mostly spend my time reading, I’m currently slogging my way through Douglas Hofstadter magisterial (and oh-so lengthy!) Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid, and enjoying it immensely if but slowly. The last book I finished was Shalom Auslander’s Foreskin's Lament: A Memoir, which simultaneously delighted me and completely freaked me out, as it reads as if Auslander wrote my autobiography for me. Nearly every concrete life experience he describes has happened to me, from the infamous Stone of Pornography, to the year (ungainfully) spent at Yeshiva in Israel after high school, to the haunting coincidence that both he and I worked part time as night watchmen at Jewish funeral homes. (Orthodox Jewish ritual requires dead bodies to be kept “company” overnight, both for spiritual and utilitarian reasons.) I also regularly devour “good writing” magazines: The Economist, Harpers, Esquire, and Wired. And, of course, Reason.

When I’m not rotting my brain with pop-culture, I spend time reading and writing about economics and philosophy (especially--but not exclusively--political theory). Some might say that I spawned from the brow of David Friedman. I find Nietzsche and David Hume inspirational (Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day as a watered-down portrayal of the concept of eternal recurrence, anyone?) Daniel Dennett is my favorite contemporary philosopher – not because his ideas are especially profound or persuasive, but his writing style is a pleasure to read. And, while I’m still in Dennett territory, I might as well name check Stephen Pinker, Christopher Hitchens, and Richard Dawkins - for all of whom I share a similar fondness.

I write for a widely read group weblog (distributedrepublic.net, the blog formerly known as Catallarchy), and my writing has opened doors for me for my upcoming career (as soon as I graduate) working in the non-profit, think tank, public policy, public interest world. My radical politics and rebellious cultural views are important to me, and while I can’t expect (and don’t want) to find someone who agrees with me on everything, I do hope we are both moving in a similar direction intellectually and ideologically. My views can be best described as left-libertarian individualist market anarchist, radical feminist, multiculturalist, cosmopolitan, egalitarian, and anti-authoritarian. While I consider myself spiritual in some sense of the term, I am rabidly opposed to organized religion and most forms of theism in general. I view some of the watered-down forms of theism – Spinoza’s Pantheism, certain forms of Buddhism, Reconstructionist Judaism, and Unitarianism as at best a stepping stone for humans to get off their god addiction, and at worst a distracting waste of time. I was raised in a very insular, socially conservative Orthodox Jewish community, and as you should probably be able to tell by now, I’ve made a complete 180 from that viewpoint; nothing pisses me off more than self-assured, paternalistic, religious conservatives.

If I sound like your kind of people, please get in touch.

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Ca-nn-ot re-sist, too many jokes

As Richard Morin said about the 1st convention of the Libertarian Party:

"As a libertarian I was always aware that it was appropriate to be tolerant of alternative lifestyles. But until I walked into that room, I had no idea just how many alternatives there were."

Serioulsy it does take guts to do that though, hat in hand.

It took me a while to realize this post was not a joke

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh

I first went for "keyboard hijacking". And then I did something cowardy and sarcastic.

On a related note, I should confess I like the Bravo TV franchise very much as well although I, for myself, wouldn't wish I could sleep with the male contestants.

Glad you enjoyed it, TGGP.

Glad you enjoyed it, TGGP. To paraphrase Hillel, if I don't make a fool of myself in public, who will?

libertarians are egalitarian radical feminist Republicans who sm

Pretty sure I could have written something like this 5 yrs ago. Not sure why not now, maybe prevailing cultural conservatism has corrupted my natural libertinism. Maybe I haven't been reading enough Heinlein lately. Reading Ada atm, that might help.

Or maybe you're spending too much time on 4chan?

TV

My TV tastes are almost exactly the same as yours except I only like American Idol and think the rest of reality TV is crap.

You are objectively,

You are objectively, apodictically wrong about the rest of reality of TV. Watch Beauty and the Geek and this will be self-evident.

Good Television

While I too hate most television with a laugh track, I have to break it to you that "Seinfeld" most definitely had one (or possibly just a live audience laughing, but really, both are designed to cue what's funny, so what's the difference?), and as you note was incredibly funny.

Also, no love for "King of the Hill," "Arrested Development," or "The Venture Brothers"? Come on!

Sitcoms

Like Micha, I generally loathe sitcoms, but the 2000s have brought me around. Arrested Development was awesome, but The Office is the best ever. The difference is the characters. Though AD was funny, I pretty much loathed all the characters. I know they're supposed to be loathsome, but every once in a while, we were asked to cheer for them. Nope, couldn't do it. Nonetheless, AD is in the pantheon because it was the one sitcom that took plot seriously. The twists and turns lead to ingenious endings which when you watched the episode a second time could see coming but would never have guessed the first time around.

OTOH, I love the characters on The Office, flaws and all. How can you not cheer for Dwight? Even someone as needy and incompetent (as a manager) as Michael is liked by viewers.

I'll give it up for King of the Hill. I'm not sure any other TV show has glorified middle American values as much as KOTH.

Re: Sitcoms

"King of the Hill" often glorified middle American values, but it was also frequently a send up of same.

Speaking of animated Fox shows, I realized I forgot to mention "Futurama" in my original comment, and I'm amazed that I have to be the first to do so given the show's incredible nerd quotient. There really may never have been a smarter show--while still being funny--than "Futurama," although the new DVD was kind of disappointing.

Toby is the only unlikelable

Toby is the only unlikelable character on The Office, imo. He has no redeeming qualities; his character is too "straight" and he does nothing but represent a position of authority and do-gooderness.

King of the Hill? I just

King of the Hill? I just lost all respect for you, Payne. Arrested Development was pure win, though, I will admit. Never heard of The Venture Brothers.

I'm with you on UCB and

I'm with you on UCB and SGC2C. The episode Snatch from the latter might be the best 15 minutes of television I've seen.

Micha's Brain

Micha's brain is lying before you in a pan and the topic of the day is TV shows. Yikes! Hay, good luck at getting your dream girl.
Dave

I replied but I guess I forgot to hit "post"

Hey, I replied but I guess I only hit "preview" instead of "post". Pointed out that his article would decrease the odds of finding that dream girl, and why. Don't have enough energy to write it again with the non-offensive tone, so let me do it the quick and easy way.

Public love ads that point out to girls that you like to take the doggy style tend to not be answered by girls that like it doggy style. There are multiple reasons why this is true including: 1) The way it opens them to public ridicule when they are seen with the person who wrote the ad, even for something most people do. 2) It's worse if the act isn't publicly acceptable. 3) The girl may like it but may think too much importance was placed on it. 4) Putting it so up front like that makes it seem like it's more important to you than it should be. 5) This is an inappropriate place to bring this up and so it seems desperate.

It felt icky for me to read past the part that said male submissive, so I stopped reading.

I wonder if by any chance this has something to do with his new "no privacy" theories?

Also I noted that he shouldn't post while 420ing.

I got similarly icked.

I got similarly icked. Course, I've got a very small mind, and it's full of ridiculous prehistoric stereotypes of gender roles.

Sorry, I don't enjoy reading male dating ads

Sorry, I don't enjoy reading explicit male dating ads when I'm expecting a bio on what intellectual, sporting or other interests a person has. What icked me out is that it was so public and yet so personal. I don't know Micha but here he is sharing information that I don't really need and is a bit more personal than I cared to know. I was trying to give him a clue. I'm sensible enough not to clarify on how small or broad my mind is in this area over an open intertube.

Christ man, he opened up by

Christ man, he opened up by saying it was part dating bleg.

I am a man replying to another man's hetero personal ad

Everybody else was doing it, so I thought I should too. Don't want to be left out.

That doesn't count

You're not getting off that easy. Either provide a suggestion to improve his post, or offer to undergo radical sexual surgery and provide a time and a place.

Oh my

undergo radical sexual surgery and provide a time and a place

Brian, are you propositioning me? I never realized you felt that way. I'm all hot and bothered now. I'm so confused. I'll have to get back to you.

Might just be

That's part of the mystery of it all. You'll have to shave your butt now if that was my intention. For some reason hairy butts turn me off. Post a picture when ready and we can talk then. Just to let you know up front, I want children, so you are going to have to do something about your prediliction for infanticide.

And Not Or

Yeah, and I expected him to use the and operator not the or operator. Like in appropriate for a political blog and a dating site. Not appropriate to a political blog or a bdsm dating site.

I'm not offended or anything. I don't care if he likes a woman to use a strap on or whatever. Just not interested in reading that kind of detail. It's his choice but I was expecting him to include the kind of bio info Johnathan would request which might make me understand his political positions a little better. Maybe he's an eight year old holocaust survivor or something.

Are you done being offended at my sensibilities now? I thought I'd give him an idea how someone who doesn't live on pluto thinks. Now, I'm thinking it would have been way cooler just to mock the guy since you haven't complained to the other responders. You being the hip police and all.

I was hoping he'd come to his senses and delete the entire post and comment thread thereby upping his chances of actually dating a woman. Teaches me. Apparently, no good deed goes unpunished.

The other guys right. The internet makes you stoopid.

At least he didn't post a picture of his junk.

 

 

Possible Misunderstanding

For what it's worth, I think Scott was (partly) serious about having a small mind and prehistoric sensibilities about gender roles himself, and not just criticizing you. I'd say roughly the same about myself (not that there's anything wrong with prehistoric sensibilities about gender roles).

Talking about prehistoric sensibilities

You know when I was single I was extremely interested in a female computer programmer at work. She was Polinesian with a drop dead body, beautiful face, bright personality, dressed nicely, the works.

One day I managed to have the luck to start a personal conversation with her and I was going to ask her out. Somehow in the conversation it came out that she had another part time job a Macys or some other store. I couldn't fathom why on a programmers salary she'd be doing part time work at minimum wage. Especially considering the way it would intefer with her programming career. You get ahead in this profession with hard work and long hours.

In any case, I had to ask her why and her answer was "I get discounts on my clothing". From deep within me an wave of utter disgust washed over me. It was a feeling trigger by an innate judgment of how totally shallow that was, and stupid. I got the feeling before I even understood why.

No discount could possibly make up the shortfall she'd have due to not working extra hours at work. Besides how much clothes could you possibly buy to make that work and how totally shallow that clothes meant more than your career or other personal interests.

My actual first thoughts were about fears that my disgust had actually shown on my face. I could feel my face curling in disgust involunarily. I almost never have such reactions. Hell, for that instant and for some reason anything would have been better for her to have said or done. She could have chewed a fingernail or farted and from experience I know I wouldn't have flinched.

Anyway, I never did ask her out after that. No big deal, chances are I was going to get shot down.

Funny part is that for some reason my brain doesn't naturally register how shallow it is to be attracted to such beautiful and well dressed women in the first place.  So much for Rational Man.

Nothing wrong with shallow

Funny part is that for some reason my brain doesn't naturally register
how shallow it is to be attracted to such beautiful and well dressed
women in the first place. So much for Rational Man.

Nothing wrong with shallow. If beautiful women dressed well is what you want, then it is entirely rational for you to pursue that. Your predilections are neither rational nor irrational. It is how you act, given your preferences, that is rational or not.

 

Brandon's right. My social

Brandon's right. My social views remain comfortably mired in the 1950s.

 

Too bad

It was so beautifully sarcastic interpreted the other way.

Your concern is something I

Your concern is something I considered, but on the other hand, I'm looking for something very specific, so if most potential readers are turned off by that stuff, I consider that a good thing: it filters out the people I'm not interested in meeting.

Yes, this does have a lot to do with my recent thinking about privacy.

And trust me, this is not the first post (nor will it be the last) that demonstrates why one shouldn't post while high. Or maybe it demonstrates why one should only post while high. I'm still noodling over that one.

Looking for a squared circle

I considered that you were trying to filter but was your intention to get the null set?

Well, I'm on vacation goofing off and my arm is injured so I can't really do anything productive, like finish building that filter for my fish take so let me take a crack at reading the whole thing.

You say: "I’m a very open, public person, place extremely low importance on privacy and shame, and hope you are the same."

I'm not sure you even understand what shame is based on your post.

Maybe I got this wrong but isn't a dominant woman going to want a guy who can be shamed? Why would a dominant woman put up with you exploring the poly lifestyle? Won't she reserve that perogative to herself and lock you in your cage? Sounds like you are way to spirited and unbreakable to me. What's the fun in trying to humilate someone who can't be humiliated. Then it's just play acting and not a real relationship from her point of view. Your insisting on someone who can be shamed in order to fill you unbending needs, and to be your true self. You don't think she's going to be as unwaivering in meeting her needs? You should be so ashamed of yourself you'd be happy to lick her boots. Of course it's likely she doesn't have any shame but who are you to insist upon it, maggot.

Sounds like you are looking for the squared circle.

You know there is a difference between feeling shame and being a exhibitionist. Hopefully you know the difference. Sentence choices communicate more than what the words actually say. By being so open you are upping the requirements to not only a lack of shame but a disregard for consequences, and a need for exhibitionism.

For instance, by setting all these criteria and then mentioning that you are interested in the poly lifestyle you are communicating that you somehow believe that not only one but several females (and possibly males) are going to be beating down the doors to hop in the sack with you based on this bio. That's humorous because obviously unintentional.

In fact, smirk, now that I see you claim to be shame proof I have to say the entire posting was hilarious. Now I'm glad I read it. You see I tend to be empathetic for social misfits. I can feel the shame they could feel if only they knew what they were doing, but in your case true empathy requires that I not feel any such shame. So, LOL.

Drop the part about underaged girls. There really is no need for that. Ask them their age when they respond. Think about the cost/benefit ratio for the rest of us, and especially your potential dom who is going to have to correct that kind of behavior. Do you really think that if you didn't add that comment that so many preteens would be responding you'd fill up your inbox? That was humorous too because it sounded like your expectation and not like you were making some kind of joke.

Take these as suggestions only. I wouldn't want you to take them as commands or in any way that would get your bi-curious submissive libido going.

Sure, but I've hung out with

Sure, but I've hung out with him late night in a lesbian bar (not a strip club--big difference), so it seems like old territory.

Haha, I remember that night.

Haha, I remember that night. Who would have expected two hot lesbian waitresses in the middle of fucking Auburn?

I think you mean Memento,

I think you mean Memento, unless you're referring to some Portuguese art film I've never seen.

General commentary: Donnie Darko was not that good, Dark City was OK at best, and The Breakfast Club is ridiculously overrated ("Hey, let's start the movie with a quote from David Bowie to give the film the illusion of depth.") There's nothing wrong with pot, I imagine, but a surprising amount of people I know who've been heavy into it end up quitting--the reason? Because it was making them lazy. There's something to that. Tarantino and the Coens are wizards, but Tim Burton is completely average, able to match 1 for 1 masterpieces like Batman with subpar crap like Batman Returns, Edward Scissorhands with Sleepy Hollow, etc.

Take On Me is a great song.

TV-wise, your taste is better (Seinfeld did have a laugh track though, I believe). I've never watched reality TV. CSI? Seriously? Try Always Sunny.

Now to Heinlein. I liked The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, Farnham's Freehold, and other books by him. All You Zombies is great, I agree. I read these a while ago. But all the books I've recently read by the dean have been terrible. I wonder if I just happened upon the good books early on--or have I overrated him? Time Enough for Love and The Cat Who Walks Through Walls, these are not good books by any means, more 400 pages of Heinlein slapping people with taboo-violating sexual encounters (hey, to each his own) than actual fiction. Neal Stephenson is beyond reproach.

People find Gödel, Escher, Bach a life-changing experience. I didn't--I thought it was neat. Maybe you can let me know what I missed. I've heard it vindicates materialism or proves the possibility of AI, et al. Didn't catch that.

I've enjoyed Dennett but--much like Hofstadter!--he has a habit of talking a lot and saying nothing. I read through whole chapters of Dennett and invariably think, "Wow, that was fascinating. What was his fucking point?" Idea-wise, his views on consciousness are nuts. Never read Hitchens, but if The Blank Slate is any guide, Pinker's an idiot. Dawkins is fine so long as he's not talking about 1. religion; 2. philosophy; or 3. politics. Other commenters may append to the list.

I disagree with your stance on religion, but we've been over that elsewhere.