The Halloween Costume

Halloween is possibly my favorite holiday of the year, right up there with NYE. It's not just for kids anymore. The Halloween Party has become a fixture in adult social circles. Having thought long and hard on the subject of costumes, I have some expert advice to impart.

The worst costumes are pun costumes

Example #1: Guy wearing pants, no shirt. "I just came in my pants!"

Example #2: Brown clothes with fake (if needed) gut, bong in hand. "Baked potato"

These aren't funny. They aren't costumes, just excuses. Puns are fine and dandy for the written word, but they have nothing to do with Halloween. Put in some effort!

The more offensive the better

Examples: pregnant nun, Steve Irwin with tentacle embedded, dumpster baby, a bloody OJ Simpson, Amish shooter, battered wife, burka-wearking Al-Qaeda Cheerleader

Halloween is the time you can with impunity make fun of your best friends' religion, race, marital problems, political views, and life ambitions.  It's a once-a-year Get Out of Jail Free card for social crudeness.  Take full advantage.

Uniforms detract points

Many of my friends use their hospital scrubs, gowns, etc to dress up as... hospital employees! Weak. Same with dressing up as police officers, pilots, army rangers, David Beckham, etc. A uniform is not a costume. Learn the difference.

Current events earns you points

Examples: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Michael Vick, Mama Britney, Bret Michaels (my costume this year).

In previous years: Steve Irwin, Flavor Flav, Borat, Kim Jong-Il, Nevernude Tobias Funke (pictured above, modeled by a co-blogger)

Sure, dressing up like a witch or cowboy can be fun when you're 8, but as an adult, you have an obligation to come up with something more original.  A costume that is specifically meaningful for the prevailing zeitgeist can earn you a place in history. Ghosts and pirates will always show; the Runaway Bride is a one-time deal.

Why Halloween matters

For young adult females, the Halloween costume falls into the same category as stripper names (Raven, Candy, Bambi), exotic locales ("What happens in _____ stays in _____ "), and intoxication.  It lowers inhibitions and provides a convenient pretext for the expression of sexuality.

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