Vote and Die, Choose and Lose

I tend to find this election annoying. For starters, I’m sick of all the media-types and celebrities trying to guilt me into going to the polls. Part of me wants to skip the election this year just to spite them. It’s getting to be ridiculous already. Every time I turn on the TV, I’m bombarded with messages about how voting is my civic duty. Jason Alexander, Tony Hawk—all of them seem to be saying the same exact thing: It doesn’t matter who I vote for, as long as I vote. I don’t understand this. If it doesn’t matter who I vote for, then why am I voting to begin with? What is this, a practice run for when it starts to count a few years down the road? Voting for the sake of voting seems like a pretty lousy reason to vote, if you ask me. If I’m going to vote, I’d at least like to vote for someone I believe in. Like Jesus.

I’m also sick and tired of brand name get-out-the-vote campaigns. MTV, for instance, tells me to “Choose or Lose.” Well, what will I be losing, exactly? My marbles? My lunch money? Do I get to choose what I lose? It makes a difference, you know. A little clarity would go a long way towards helping me decide here. I could probably live without my marbles, but definitely not my lunch money. I’d also prefer not to lose my friends and family members in a military draft—FYI.

Then there’s the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy. He goes by P. Diddy now. The “P” stands for “Pushy.” This guy goes around telling kids to “Vote or Die.” That’s right, “Vote or Die.” Let me ask you something: Why the hell is he threatening us like that? What did we ever do to him? I don’t know about you, but if I get to choose what I lose this year, I’m going to choose to lose his attitude.